It’s your life — shouldn’t you be in charge of it? asks Dr Pat Palmer & Melissa A. Froehner

Manipulation is getting people to do what you want without asking. When you ask, people have a chance to say no. When you manipulate, few people can avoid it. We all know how to manipulate. As youngsters we learned to sense our parents’ moods. If Dad was grumpy we stayed away. If Mom was happy, we could get anything we wanted by just pointing.

The game It takes two to play the manipulation game. One person wants something. The other person needs something. Neither party may be aware that the subtle game has started. The manipulator senses what you need and very indirectly offers it to you. Unaware of the game, you feel fortunate to have such a “nice” person interested in you. You’re flattered. You sense what the other person wants and you provide it. The two of you have an unspoken contract.

Manipulative styles

The Depressed. Depressed people collect Helpers and Rescuers. They choose to give up the joys of life to focus on negatives. They see only what is bad, ugly, and isn’t there, rather than the love, beauty and happiness which are there. The set-up is to get people to feel sorry for them. The payoff is to get others to take care of them.

The Blamer. This victim can identify why he is so unhappy. The cause can be a natural event such as the weather, or another person’s actions. “Look what you did to me!” is a favourite lament. “It’s all your fault,” “Everybody’s mean to me.” The manipulation is to get other people to take responsibility for the blamer’s life and make it up to him. The set-up is to get people to feel guilty; the payoff is release from guilt.

The Hypochondriac. This person chooses sickness to avoid coping with life. As with the other victim styles it limits joy, fun, and happiness. This is a painful way of getting needs met! The set-up and the payoff are the same as for the other examples above; however, the hypochondriac may have more actual physical pain.

The Suicidal. Manipulation can have permanent results: combining depression and blaming, some people attempt suicide to get even or to make those left behind feel guilty, others genuinely don’t want to live anymore. However, any person who seems very depressed or talks about suicide should be taken to a professional therapist. Tell a parent, teacher or counsellor if you know someone like this — they need help immediately. Many people go through periods in their lives when they feel depressed enough to attempt suicide. Very often just talking to a counsellor helps them overcome their problems, heal quickly, and go on to lead normal lives.

The Rescuer. “I will save you, give you what you need and you will be mine. I will earn your love with brave deeds. You will have to be weak and needy. You will let me take care of you.”

The Martyr. “I will work so hard that you will not be able to get along without me. You will need me. I will do your homework, cook your meals, and do all the unpleasant jobs. I will work THREE jobs. I will cripple you with my love so that you will not be able to take care of yourself and you will never leave me.”

The Enabler. There have been stories in the news about people who are so obese that they can’t leave their beds. The quantity of food they consume is enormous. Who’s bringing them all that food? Enablers who truly don’t mean them harm. An enabler might say, “I love you and wish you’d diet,” but they continue to provide the care which enables the (food) addict to live as he does.

Fairy tale roles

Cinderella

A classic victim-martyr, Cinderella was rescued by her fairy godmother who gave her what she needed... dress, shoes, coach, so that she could attend the ball. At the ball she met the Prince, they fell in love. Since romance is supposed to heal all problems, the Prince rescued Cinderella and they lived happily ever after. By being sad and helpless, Cinderella attracted rescuers to help her. She was not assertive. If she were assertive she would have found her own clothes and gotten herself to the ball!
Moral: If you are sitting waiting for a prince or princess to rescue you, forget it! Save yourself. There are no more fairy godmothers and very few princes. The only sure way of being rescued is to make it a “do it yourself” project!

Are you being manipulated?

When you are being manipulated you are living someone else’s life; going where they want to go and doing what they want to do, you are not following your own values, interests and goals. It doesn’t feel good.

Is your manipulator so much smarter than you that he/she should be running your life for you? Of course not! Nobody knows what you want better than you do! It’s your life — shouldn’t you be in charge of it?

Dealing with manipulation

Serve as a model. When you can express your needs and wants clearly, you help others learn to do this too. They’ll get used to your straight talk and probably even like it (if you’re careful not to be pushy or aggressive!). As you take responsibility for asking for what you want, you win the respect of others so that they want to act like you!

Fairy tale roles

Peter Pan

Come fly with me! Life is a ball. I will never grow up. Come live in fantasyland with me. We will laugh, dance and sing and never pay attention to reality. We will never feel pain, never cry. Maybe we can find a Wendy to take care of us and clean up our messes. Let’s let her be responsible so that we can play.
Moral: Allowing yourself to be manipulated can get you stuck so you never grow up. Better learn how to take care of yourself. Sooner or later you’ll have to.

To manipulate or not to

Manipulation comes from weakness. It is used by people who are not able to be honest with themselves or others. It is supposed to be “polite”; however, it robs others of choices, and doesn’t let them take responsibility for themselves. It can be very frustrating — even to the manipulator: “I keep dropping hints that I want him to take me to the dance, but he just doesn’t get it!”

People who choose manipulation use their power in underhanded ways. They are willing to play games rather than be honest. Learning to be direct allows the manipulative person to gain self-respect.

The manipulative person is highly skilled at reading others. It takes incredible sensitivity to know what others need and to offer it to them in subtle ways. Imagine using this talent to help people!

We are all manipulative in one way or another. It is your choice whether you wish to continue to manipulate. Each time you take the risk of making honest statements to others, you win respect. You may decide to give up your role or “victim” style; you’ll find yourself growing in self-respect and liking yourself more. Playing games is wonderful fun when it is an open competition. Playing games to get what you want defeats self-respect and robs others of free choice. Honesty really is the best policy.

Fairy tale roles

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is a darling child: big eyes, a “good” expression, and very innocent. Dancing through the woods carrying a basket of food for grandma, Red looks like a tasty morsel. The Wolf, seeing the sweet innocence of this delectable child, decides to follow, outsmart and eat Red. Red, however, has a lot of anger that doesn’t show. Realising at last that a Wolf is following, Red devises a plot. The Wolf gets killed.
Moral: Sometimes sweet innocent people lead you through the forest to get you in trouble at Grandmother’s house. While setting up Red, the Wolf was beaten at his own game. The Wolf was seduced to death by a passive-aggressive Red.