Take charge of your anger before it builds, says Dr Pat Palmer & Melissa A. Froehner
What do you do when you're mad? Punch a pillow? Yell at your younger brother or sister? Slam your door and crank up your stereo? Do you tell people when you're angry? Or do you let your body language (clenched fists, stomping around) speak for you? Or maybe you don't show your anger at all. Some people are raised to believe that it's not okay to show your anger - that you should hold it inside because it's not "nice" to get angry with people. Unfortunately, that held in anger usually just shows up in other ways - like an upset stomach, a headache, or trouble sleeping. That doesn't mean that you have to show your anger to make it go away - you aren't a balloon that will pop if you don't let it out. In fact, behaving in an angry way can actually make you more angry! So punching that pillow isn't the best solution - especially if you're imagining someone's face in it - you might just want to hit it more, or harder!
What can you do about your anger? The best solution is to take charge of your anger before it builds. If it's too late for that, you'll need to find a solution to your problem - in this case, whatever it is that has you feeling so mad.
Taking charge
Say somebody accidentally steps on a homework paper of yours that you worked on for hours. Your teacher is a "neat freak" and won't be happy about how it looks now. Are you angry? How angry? When you feel your anger starting to build, ask yourself, "How much does this really matter? Is it worth my getting upset? Will I even care about it two weeks from now? Two days from now? Two hours from now?"
It's a lot easier to stop your anger from building than it is to calm down after you've gotten really mad, and there are a couple of ways you can help yourself do that:
Stop and "rate" your anger. Sure, some things are worth getting upset about. If someone steals your bicycle, you're probably going to be pretty mad (or maybe sad, too). It's a bad thing, right? So, on an "upset" scale from one to ten, it's about a six or a seven... After all, there are worse things that could happen. Your home could be robbed, and everything you own stolen. That's worse. How would you rate it? An eight? What if a drunk driver killed someone you care about? That's really terrible - probably a ten. So, let's step back for a second... is it really that big of a deal that he/she stepped on your paper? How would you rate it now?
You'll save yourself a lot of anger if you learn to step outside yourself and look at things from the other person's point of view. We've all had those mornings... You know: you wake up late; can't find the outfit you wanted to wear; you forgot your math paper was due today, and it's not done; your mom yelled at you... So now you're really late, and you run out the door and right into a neighbour on the sidewalk... How angry should your neighbour be? Does he know how your morning is going, or does he just think you're some careless kid mowing down everybody who gets in your way? He can choose to get angry, or not to let it upset him. What would you do if you were in his place?
“I think to cope with anger you only need self control. You have to know when to say what and how to say it. A wrong word said in anger can mar your life and that of your oppressor.”
— Sunidhi Chauhan
Try to give the other person a break. Did that lady turn her car right in front of you because she didn't care if she hit you and your bike, or was it because she just found out that a friend is in the hospital and she's just not seeing clearly right now? Did your dad slam the door because he's trying to make your headache worse, or did he just step in the "present" your neighbour's dog left on the porch?
Be creative! Maybe that guy cut in front of you in line because aliens abducted him last night and turned his brains to spaghetti...
Find the humour in the situation. Once, while driving, Melissa began to get frustrated with the driver of the car in front of her (who seemed to be paying more attention to his frisky dog than to the road): "So, I joked with my family, 'He should let his dog drive - the chihuahua would probably do a better job!' We laughed at the image of the tiny dog trying to drive the car, and I found my frustration going away." A good laugh does wonders for a bad mood!
You'll always feel better about yourself if you can make the best of a bad situation - instead of letting it get the best of you.
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