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Choices & Decision-making
Not to decide is to decide
Dr Pat Palmer & Melissa A. Froehner

We all make hundreds of decisions every day. Most of them we don’t really have to think much about, but occasionally there comes a situation where we almost wish we could have someone choose for us. Almost. You don’t get what you want when you don’t decide for yourself — so even when the choice isn’t an easy one it’s worth giving it your best shot. Here are some useful steps to follow when making a decision:

  • What’s the problem? (What’s the decision to be made?)
  • What are the alternatives?
  • List the good points for each.
  • List the bad points for each.
    • We’ll start with a tough one: Brittany knows that her friend Mary’s dad tends to drink too much, and when he does he gets violent. Mary has come to school with bruises before. She still loves her dad, so she tells the teachers that she tripped and fell. But she’s told Brittany that her dad has beaten her up, and now he’s starting on her little brother. Brittany wants to tell someone who can do something about it, but Mary’s made her swear not to. As Brittany thinks about what to do, she might write it down like this: What’s the problem? Whether or not to tell an adult about Mary’s dad.

    Alternatives Good points Bad points
    Don’t tell Mary won’t be mad at me Mary could get seriously hurt.
    Tell police Mary won’t be hurt anymore Mary’s dad could be arrested. Mary would hate me.
    Tell teacher Same Same
    Tell my parents Get help with decision. Mary could be helped. They might tell police.

    Try to find the choice where the good points outweigh the bad. In Brittany’s case, that choice is to tell her parents.

    Remember that there’s a difference between “telling on” someone and telling someone who can help with the problem. If you are “telling” in order to get someone in trouble, then you’re not really helping. But if you think that someone might be hurt if you don’t do something, the best choice is to ask for help.


    Here’s an easier problem: Your parents are always after you to turn your stereo down. You’re tired of fighting about it. Do I have to give up my music to get along with Mom and Dad?


    Alternatives Good points Bad points
    Put up with the fighting. Listen to my music (for a while) They’ve threatened to take my stereo away.
    Trade in my CD’s for classical music. Mom and Dad would love it. I hate classical music.
    Listen to music at whisper level. Parents wouldn’t bug me. Music doesn’t sound as good.
    Buy headphones. Could listen to my music loud. Quit fighting. I’d have to save money.

    More decision-making hints
    Do you have enough information to make a decision? Let’s say you want to go to France to study art. Where are the places to go to for information? Do you need to learn French? You could consult an encyclopaedia, a travel agent or the French consul to find answers. Many people will give you ideas and other names of people who can help you to learn more about how to get to France, where to study and what you’ll need in order to get ready.

    Give yourself time to make a good decision. Hurrying won’t help. Ask people their opinions. Sleep on it. If it’s a career choice, explore; interview people in different professions; stay flexible and open. During the summer you can work in a field that interests you. Practical experience in the field will help you decide about whether or not it’s right for you.

    Delay making a decision until you’re sure you know what is right for you. Decisions need to be made with all of you: head, heart, spirit and emotions. Don’t deny the gut-level decision. Don’t let your head talk the emotional part of you out of a decision (as long as your choice allows you to stay safe and healthy). Those decisions made deep down in your gut are usually “right”. Remember, you can always change your mind.

    Look at many alternatives. Don’t get trapped into an either/or choice (I’ll go to college or become a janitor). If you relax your body and daydream a little, you may come up with a variety of ways to solve the problem or make the decision. The only limit is your imagination. Knowing alternatives gives you a feeling of being powerful and in charge of your life. The more choices you give yourself, the more freedom you have.

    Remember that you are choosing all the parts of your life (education, career, values, relationships, personal “style,” ...), and you are free to change any of the parts you don’t like.

    If you’re unhappy, you’re choosing to be unhappy. Don’t blame it on others. Abraham Lincoln said, “We are just about as happy as we choose to be.” If you work at a job you hate, realise that you choose to work there. Don’t complain. Find a better job, create your own job, start your own business. Take responsibility for being where you are, doing what you are doing. If you don’t like it, change it if you can.

    Get help when you need it. We all need help now and then — it’s just as important to know when to ask for help with a hard decision as it is to be able to decide for yourself at other times. Think about the people you find easy to talk to, or who’ve given you good advice. Here are some examples: school counsellor, friend, teacher, neighbour, elder brother, sister, cousin, etc., hotline (crisis telephone service), mom/dad, grandma/grandpa.


    Problem solving
    Most people fear trouble and problems. They get upset when things don’t go the way they expect. As things frustrate them, they get angry. It’s okay to be angry. The extra energy that anger gives us can be useful in correcting what is bothering us. Most people get emotional over life changes, people changes and disappointments. It is important to avoid letting your emotions scare you into making a poor choice, though. If you sense yourself losing control, back off for a while. Hold off on making your decision until you’ve calmed down.

    Mistakes as opportunities

    Another way to look at problems is as opportunities. Watch a tiny baby. The baby learns by testing, tasting, feeling and making mistakes like bumping into things. Often the very best way to learn is to make mistakes.

    For instance, if you left your bike outside when you were younger and it was stolen or broken, you may have learned to put your bike away. The lesson probably was terribly painful at the time. But, through this experience you learned that when you leave your possessions outside, they may be lost, stolen or broken. Looking back, you may even be grateful for learning that lesson at a young age.

    Where are you headed?
    As you get older, of course, life’s decisions become complex. Will you work hard enough to make it into college? What career will you go into? Some people seem always to have known where they were headed. Clear goals can make decisions easier.

    If you decide at age ten that you want to be a lawyer, your life is relatively simple. You study political science, language and writing, history and debating (if your school has a team or class). You might study speech, drama and more voice training if you’re interested in courtroom cases or becoming a legislator. You may decide what college you want to attend and choose to get good grades. You might even win a scholarship. You may work in a law office doing paralegal work on vacations and take the law aptitude exam toward the end of your college career. The progress you make is simple and clear.

    But what if you don’t know what you want to do with your life? That makes it a lot more difficult to make decisions. Avoiding it doesn’t help. Not deciding is making a decision — you’re letting others decide for you, or letting life pass you by.

    The best approach, if you’re not sure, is to take some small risks. Make minor decisions — based on good information — and try them out. (The more information you have about your alternatives, the more freedom you have to make good choices.) If things aren’t working, make changes to “fine tune” your direction.

    “… and the answer is…”
    It takes effort to explore who you are and to find your own truth. As you are willing to clarify who you are and what you stand for, problem solving and decision-making become easier. Being aware of the richness of choices available to you enlarges and expands your life possibilities.

    Take advantage of opportunities to make your own decisions. Avoid “I don’t care” — express your preferences! You’ll get practice in making decisions — and you’ll probably get more of what you want from life!

    The Teenager Home