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Just saying “no” doesn't always come easy. Assertiveness can help a lot, says Dr Pat Palmer & Melissa A. Froehner.
It's 8:00 P.M. bedtime for two-year-old Tommy. His mom says, “It's time to go to bed.” Tommy shrieks, “No!” His mom tells him, “You don't say 'no' to me, young man! You do as you're told!”
Now Tommy turns 13, and all of a sudden his mom and dad are after him to “just say no” to sex, drugs, cigarettes and behaviour they don't approve of. Tom has had years of practice being polite, trying to do what he's told; but nobody ever told him how to say “no” to very cute and very popular Brenda, when she says, “You're so funny! I bet you're hilarious when you're high. Come on, let's go smoke a joint.”
Brenda's offer is pretty appealing to Tom for several reasons:
Tom doesn't do drugs and doesn't want to start. He says, “If you think I'm funny now, you should see me with a face full of pizza! I'll treat if you want to come with me for some.”
Tom's lucky; he's got a good sense of humour and can use it to joke his way out of a situation. He's also offered a better idea, so he may still get together with Brenda.
Saying “No”
Some people believe the world will come to an end if they say no. Thoughts that stop us from saying no include: “If I say 'no', everyone will hate me. Everyone will leave me. No one will like me. I'm selfish. I won't have any friends. I'll hurt his feelings. People will think I'm rude. It's not nice to say no. People will think I'm mean.”Saying no can bring out “catastrophic” thinking false ideas such as, if you say “no” to people you will harm them in some terrible fatal way. You fear you may upset them or “permanently scar” them or ruin their lives.
Think about it. None of the above will happen if you say “no”. People don't really care that much! Imagine someone asking to wear your new jacket and you say “no”. Even if that person asks why, you can be honest and tell her you've decided not to lend it out. You don't have to apologise or make up excuses, end of subject. Imagine you ask your friend for a lift and he says, “Sorry, the car's full already.” Do you cry, faint, feel insulted and take it personally? Are you convinced that he doesn't like you anymore? The fact is that the car is full. That's all.
That doesn't mean it's always easy to say “no”. It can be really tough especially when you care about the person. Just saying “no” doesn't always come easy. Assertiveness can help a lot.
Here are some assertive ways of saying “no” that don't sound rude. How about saying, “Yes, I'll get to my homework right after I finish this phone call I'm almost done.” “I really don't have time to do that now, I have to get this done. Can you get someone else to do it for you?”
If you act like it's no big deal to say no, and just stay relaxed, then it doesn't have to be that important for the other person to get you to say “yes.” If you're at a party and someone hands you a beer, you can pass it on to the next person, or calmly say “no thanks.”
Tom, in our earlier example, used humour and offered a better idea to avoid doing something he didn't want to do. Both can be good alternatives to straightforward assertiveness, but if cracking jokes isn't easy for you, following these MAPS may help: Make an Excuse. “Nope, I'm driving.” Or, “It makes me throw up.” (Try to be truthful, though, lies often catch up to you.) Avoid It. “Hey Amy, let's skip class!” “Oops gonna be late, we'd better hurry!” (This is only a temporary solution, but can work for a little while.) Pour It On! “Are you serious?! I can't believe you said that! That stuff'll rot your brain.” Switch Directions. “Wait I gotta tell you about what Jenny said to me.”
Different situations call for different responses, but using a variation of one of these or a combination of them could ease you out of a tight spot.
“Uh oh, here comes trouble!”
What's the best way to avoid a bad situation? Keep your eyes and ears open, and think ahead: “What's likely to happen here? Do I want to be involved? Is the risk really worth it?”The idea is to sense trouble coming before it happens. You don't have to say no if you're not there to be asked!
Peer pressure
A lot of teenagers think that in order to be popular and have friends, they have to follow along with the crowd. You've heard of it it's called 'peer pressure'. It can be hard when you really WANT to be a member of a group. You WANT to dress, talk, act and look like your friends. Even if they're doing things that make you uncomfortable like smoking cigarettes or pot the tendency is to go along to be accepted. It's easy to slip into habits that you later regret.
Julie's interest in swimming keeps her from doing a lot of things other teenagers do. Then Julie meets Josh. Josh wants Julie to spend more time with him. His friends smoke, drink, do drugs and stay out late. Julie knows that if she goes along with this crowd she'll have to stop swimming. Smoke is bad for her lungs; drinking and drugs could hurt her swimming ability. She can't stay out late and still get up at 5:00 A.M. to practise. What should Julie do? How would you deal with this situation?
Here is one assertive way to handle it:
Julie: “I like you a lot, and I love being with you. But swimming means a lot to me, too. You know I have to keep competing so I can make the state finals.”
Josh: “So what are you saying... you don't want to go out with me anymore?”
Julie: “No, not that I do want to go out with you, but I'm not going to give up my shot at really going somewhere with my swimming.”
Josh: “I'm not asking you to.”
Julie: “I know. What I mean is, I can't stay out late more than one night a weekend, and I can't be around your friends when they're smoking it's bad for my lungs.”
Josh: “Yeah...?”
Julie: “So I can't party with you as much as I'd like, but I still want to go out with you, and maybe you could pick me up after practice sometimes...”
These days, young people are getting involved in sex at an earlier age than ever before. Peer pressure to become sexually active is overwhelming.
Your sexuality is one of the deepest ways to express caring for yourself and another person intimate communication on a physical level. It is not something to give away, give in to, or just try to see what it's like.
If you feel scared about your sexuality, you have a right to say to yourself, “I can say no to sexual pressure. My body belongs to me.”
When you give yourself this right, you free yourself from the pressures of wanting to be like everyone else. In the end others respect you for standing up for what you believe. Most important of all, you respect yourself!
Drugs are available to most young people today. Smoking, cocaine use, and drinking are often socially acceptable. But the long-term effect of drug abuse is a lost life. Each use of mood altering drugs even cigarettes and alcohol affects your body negatively. People who use drugs even once take the risk of picking up an expensive habit or an infectious disease (such as AIDS or hepatitis). Once you're hooked, you've turned control of your life over to the drug.
Saying “No” sets you free
When you are able to say “no” whether it's to drugs, sex, favours, or simple requests, you become free. You control your possessions, your time, your body, and make decisions for yourself. It takes practice. Try the activities that follow to get the experience you need.
“No” way
When you know what you want to do and how you want to do it, it's a lot easier to say “no” to things that take you away from your goal. You're in charge of your body, your time, your possessions. You make the decisions that control your life.Saying “no” gains us time, space and the opportunity to be ourselves and develop our skills and talents.
