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NOVEMBER 2009
Give it, take it and learn from it
Can’t act. Can dance a little.” Happily, dancer, singer and movie legend Fred Astaire did not let one critic’s words deter his legendary career.
How do you feel immediately after being criticised? Grateful or angry? How about when you’re the one giving criticism? Justified — or self-righteous?
Criticism has a negative connotation and the potential for being destructive. Even when motivated by a genuine desire to help, criticism is usually a touchy matter.
Yet criticism can be positive. It can lead to enhancing relationships, improving performance or stopping harmful, even dangerous behaviour. At its best, constructive criticism is balanced with sincere, enthusiastic encouragement.
The first and simplest advice is to criticise others as you would have them criticise you.
How and when to criticise
Stop. Analyse circumstances. Is it really your place to interfere? “It’s for their own good” or “I know what’s best” is not enough justification. But, sometimes it is appropriate. You may even have a moral responsibility to offer criticism. If so, consider your timing and method.In When Words Hurt, author Mary L. Heldmann suggests T-A-C-T:
Tell: Spell out specifically what the other person is doing that is a problem.
Affect: Describe how the behaviour is affecting the individual, you and others.
Change: Suggest what changes to make.
Trade-off: Be clear about what can be gained by these actions.
A psychologist offers this advice: Describe what you see. Describe what you feel. Describe what needs to be done. Do not attack the person.
When you are criticised
Criticism can be hard to take. Before dismissing or accepting the opinions of others, keep an open mind. Are the remarks true, just and helpful? Or are they misguided, prejudiced or inaccurate?Whether or not criticism is warranted, no one has the right to belittle or insult you. Respond calmly and with respect for the other person and for yourself. Ultimately, only you choose how to live your life. But the honest counsel of others can be a useful guide for self-examination.
“We need very strong ears to hear ourselves judged frankly,” said Montaigne, the 16th century philosopher. “Because there are few who can endure frank criticism without being stung by it, those who venture to criticise us perform a remarkable act of friendship.”
With family and friends
“There is no place like home to get a heartfelt, honest critique of your character. And you often need one, even if you would rather not get it,” says Frank Pittman, MD, in Psychology Today.Stephanie Marston, author of The Magic of Encouragement, suggests that when children misbehave and need correction, the focus be put on the negative behaviour. Instead of saying, “You’re a slob”, try, “This mess really bothers me, please clean it up”.
She continues, “Like a sledgehammer on a priceless vase, criticism in any form makes shards of our kids’ confidence and motivation to try something new. It incites rebellion, resentment or resignation, because they take what we say about them very personally.”
Criticism is never ‘constructive’, because it strips children of their precious sense of dignity and self-worth. The language of encouragement, on the other hand, builds on a child’s strengths, expresses appreciation, gives positive support, shows confidence and nurtures success.
A psychologist writes: “The only critique that seems appropriate (between parents and) adult children are the same tactful, delicate adult-to-adult communication you would use with a good friend… True friends will speak up about sensitive personal topics and even tell their friends things that are painful to hear, for their own good. But such remarks are few and far between and reflected upon first. An effort should be made to employ a dove’s gentle mode in the telling.”
Parents, too, get criticised. “When my daughter was 13, she went through a period of criticising everything I did.” says a mother. She decided to meet “each critical comment with love”. But she let her daughter know that the words hurt and that “it’s okay with me for you to become a separate person.” The remarks stopped. Her daughter now has her own “tastes and opinions and the ability to express them.”
Friends also help each other through their support and advice. Author Jim Auer suggests constructive language. Try, “I’m really concerned about you because I think what you’re doing will harm you.” Or, “If you need me, I’ll be here.” Or, “This doesn’t mean that I think you’re terrible. It means I’m concerned about where you’re headed.”
Young people who see friends behaving in self-destructive ways may need to enlist parental/adult help.
Your own worst critic?
Some people are merciless critics of themselves. Psychiatrist Martin Groder believes that those prone to excessive self-criticism need to recognise that mistakes are part of everyone’s life. “Learn to accept being wrong without suffering… Talking back to your inner critic is not necessarily complicated. Just say ‘Stop’!” Dr Groder believes the main role of our inner critic is “to alert you that you’re about to do something dangerous, unethical or unwise — or that you have already done something like that. When your inner critic exceeds its responsibility, you experience self-abuse.”Trying to improve oneself doesn’t mean the “current you” is bad. A positive self-image aids the lifelong task of growth and change. Family counsellor and author Alan LoyMcGinnis suggests the following steps to foster self-esteem:
Knowing that God loves us unconditionally and has given us gifts to use should be our greatest source of self-esteem.
Source: Christopher News Notes