Many teens handle tough choices successfully by being assertive. Assertiveness is taking charge of your life: speaking clearly and honestly, asking for what you want and saying no to what you don't want. It is learning to feel valuable, capable and powerful. In other words, it is really caring about yourself. But, the assertive person helps others feel good about themselves too, by treating them in loving, caring, kind, thoughtful ways. Assertiveness helps you achieve your goals — but it won't tell you what your goals should be.
Who is assertive?
Being assertive means:
Speaking honestly.
Expecting to be treated with respect and to treat others that way.
Liking yourself.
Standing up for and take good care of yourself.
Being a friend to others.
Keeping your cool and sense of humour in order to handle situations smoothly.
Vicky's friend Michelle asks Vicky, “Can I wear your new pink sweater on Saturday? I'll take good care of it.”
Vicky doesn't want to lend out her new sweater.
1. Stammering and blushing, her stomach tightening into knots: “Oh sure, Michelle. You can wear it.” Vicky gets a stomach ache, goes home and feels sick all night.
OR
2. Angrily: “I can't believe you'd ask me that! You know that's my favourite sweater and it's brand new, too! What makes you think I'd want to lend it to you?!”
OR
3. Honestly and directly: “Michelle, you're my best friend and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but that sweater is my favourite and I'm not going to lend it out. I hope you understand and won't be mad at me. You know, your new outfit looks terrific on you — you could wear that, couldn't you?”
When Vicky reluctantly agrees to let Michelle borrow her sweater (1) she's being passive: letting people walk all over her because she's afraid to speak up for what she wants.
Vicky's angry overreaction (2) is aggressive: hurting people or putting them down because she doesn't know how (or is afraid) to honestly say what she wants. The last response (3) is assertive: Vicky is straightforward and calm in telling Michelle how she feels.
Dealing with people assertively is usually your best choice; contrasting it with other styles might help show why.
Aggressive people are like steamrollers
Aggressive people get what they want by:
Putting people down, calling them names, saying mean things.
Hurting people physically or mentally.
Pushing people around physically, mentally or emotionally.
Telling people what to do, forcibly taking charge, making people do things against their will.
Making all the rules without listening to others' ideas.
Interrupting people.
The “steamroller” flattens anyone who gets in the way; others feel weak, small or helpless because he/she is always taking charge. Most people don't like being around someone who's aggressive. They'd rather totally avoid such a person.
Lots of people get mad when they're pushed around. The aggressive person is surprised at people's anger. He/she doesn't pay attention to other people's feelings, so doesn't realise he/she's hurting them.
Let aggressive people know you're hurt or angry by saying: “What you just said really hurt my feelings” or “I really don't like it when you tell me what to do” or “I'd rather make up my own mind, thanks” or “You can call me a 'nerd' or any other name you want to, but I'm not gonna let you push me into doing things I don't want to do.”
Passive people act like doormats
Passive behaviour is doing nothing, playing it safe, keeping your mouth closed. It's like being a doormat; letting others walk on you. Other people make decisions for you, tell you what to do and run your life.
The passive person:
Doesn't stand up for himself.
Waits for others to make decisions.
Keeps quiet even when he knows the correct answer or the best action to take.
Would rather cut out his tongue than ask for a favour, help, or what he wants.
Withdraws, stands back, makes no waves.
Passive people often get pushed around, “stepped on” or forgotten. Other people take advantage of them because they won't stand up for themselves. The poor passive person has a terrible self-image and little self-confidence.
Passive-aggressive people are “the gotcha group”
Passive-aggressive people think they're “nice,” but they're usually really angry because they hardly ever get what they want.
Passive-aggressive people:
Aren't honest with themselves or others.
Store up anger and wait, planning revenge.
“Get even” in subtle ways (they're “late” or they “forget”).
Leave you wondering what happened.
Of course, few of us fit neatly into any category — but if you can start seeing yourself “steamrolling,” or playing “doormat” or “gotcha,” you're learning to be honest with yourself — a big step on your way toward assertiveness.
You can learn assertiveness
It's not something you have to be born with. There are several steps:
Learning
to like yourself your rights
to be responsible
to ask for what you want
to say no without feeling guilty
to handle stress and anxiety (learning to relax)
to use your personal power
to deal with criticism in positive ways (Some people are afraid to be assertive because they're afraid of being criticised. If you learn to listen only to useful criticism, you don't need to feel attacked or put down. You can use criticism to grow!)
to give and receive compliments easily (Don't deny compliments, or feel you have to return them — you can accept them with a smile and a “thank you.”)
to show anger honestly, not aggressively, without hurting others (and to let others express anger toward you)
to avoid being manipulated
to have (and keep) friendships and loving relationships
Assertiveness builds up slowly. Start out with easy things and little-by-little add harder ones. Each time you do something assertive you'll feel good. When you start asking for what you want you'll be amazed: people LIKE to give you what you want! As you get more assertive, you respect yourself and others respect you. It's easier to be honest and you like yourself more.
Be assertive
Kindly stand up
